If I did one thing right in 2009...

Ode to a baby feijoa triumph tree












Oh, feijoa tree, oh feijoa tree -- wait, that can't be right...

Oh, Little Triumph in the ground
I set atop some "Doo"

I felt such joy the day I found
A leafy friend in you.

The way we met I'll ne'er forget
Although I had to leave.

We share a special bond and yet
There's more we could achieve.

I gave you space for branching out
Beside the lovely Bay

And placed your roots with little doubt
That you'll anchor away!

I celebrate your beauty rare
Your leaves of icy green

Your rosy flowers I compare
To Christmas trees' I've seen.

I'll hurry back when West winds blow
So please don't feel distressed,

For in the meantime John and Jo
Will care for you the best!

Passive Aggressive

Grrrr.

I wish I had a better understanding of what others see in me. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what I like (and don't). I try to respect people with whom I come into contact. Maybe, after all of these years of toughening up, I'm still too sensitive. I guess what frustrates me the most (at least sometimes) is feeling like I've been treated like garbage and figuring out that somehow it's my fault. That situation still floors me every time.

I was fascinated by a book I found about how we are perceived. The findings of the author's research had shown that when we try to guess what someone we've just met thinks of us, we're wrong nearly 90% of the time. So, maybe just engaging my ears and saving the talking/venting for my blog could keep me out of some trouble.

Yeah, my musical taste is different from most folks I know -- at least a little bit, if not the polar opposite. I'll keep working on not taking an attack on my music as a personal one. I love lyrics and often use various songs' as a mantra to pull me out of a slump (like now, for instance).

I feel very grateful to have survived a pretty exhausting week. I have two beautiful and glorious days off (even if the weather turns against me) ahead. I plan to do some serious resting and recuperating.

Today's picture is from a much happier time. I'm looking forward to having another similar experience (I hope) in 2010!

With Flair

I wish I had thought of these!

Quotes, humor and inspiration...

Cosmic alignment

-- Kelly Angard/Nina Potts-Jefferies?

Patience is a virtue.
Resentfulness is not.

Forgive yourself and others
To cherish what you've got.



Laughter is contagious in its undiluted state.
Joyful war it wages and steps in to seal my fate.

Helplessly endeavouring to curb a giggles case
Shoulders hunched and quivering with tension in my face

If I can't contain it and I'm ROTFL
My heart becomes more fit; and endorphins flow as well!

I admit a preference for some pealing, patent mirth
Chemical prescriptions rarely seem to match its worth

Maybe not the answer to all obstacles we face
But it helps fight cancer and in healing has a place

Not a mere placebo know the clowns Patch Adams casts
As Mary P. Poole said, "He who laughs, lasts."

Denied

I love feeling wanted
I hate being spare

I'll press on, undaunted
I'm far more aware

The lowest deterrents
I could consider

Are that I'm too fervent
or, perhaps, a quitter

I'll try again, next year
If I'm so inclined

If my calendar's clear
And I'm still unsigned.

No Day But Today (- oh, and Yesterday)

I love spectacular Wellington days. Sadly, there aren't enough of them. Perhaps it's because of this that I am better prepared to appreciate the ones I experience!

Today I found time to do some spring cleaning and go on a short skate. The first of two end-of-term shows went pretty well. I can't complain, anyway. I shifted some furniture around in what I hope will be a beneficial position, according to the principles of Feng Shui. Of course I still have great aspirations of downsizing a significant percentage of my stuff, at a *dramatic pause* later date.

Yesterday I went to Body Jam class in the morning; I used to love doing that, but I hadn't been in quite a while. I checked out the Museum of Wellington City and Sea in the afternoon. Trying my hand(s) at the knots was my favorite. In the evening I saw Where the Wild Things Are -- SO cool.

Later, I went to sing some Karaoke and didn't make the strongest song choices. Oh, well. Maybe I wouldn't have been available for the Motown gig that's coming up, anyway. I think I need to lift my game if I want to continue telling people that I have a degree in singing! The low point of the day was trying to leave the club for my 10-minute walk home and having some people basically force me to take a cab that they called, in spite of my efforts to explain that I had walked around LA and NYC at all hours and was fine. I got the driver to turn the corner and let me out -- $5.80 poorer. Grrrr.





Saturday was better. The weather was stunning; work was quiet. I was really grateful to find some new walking/running shoes on sale, during my lunch break. My old ones were way too broken down to offer any good support and cushioning. I managed to score a last-minute comp to a concert I had wanted to attend but couldn't afford. The musicians are all so versatile and really good-looking. I'm a bit envious. Somehow, I also squeezed in a brief skate between work and the show! Good stuff.

Friday after work I resurrected a nearly-forgotten artist date that was once my weekly tradition. I worked out at the gym, grabbed some stir fry for dinner, and caught the last half hour in the downtown library's music room before they closed. I couldn't believe how much muscle memory I still had for my II-V-I's. I felt creatively replenished. I was a bit too excited to have made it to the gym, though. I tried nearly everything. I'm still sore.

I've been documenting the past few days in photos...

Cultivating Disfunctionality

"I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about." - Chuck Palahnuik

I hear we all have our addictions. I prefer to think of some of mine as "winning formulas." I share Chuck Palahniuk's admiration for addicts. "In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.”

So, why are my addictions mostly confined to blogging, skating, listening to Meet the Robinsons, and eating chocolate? I was told (in jest?) that I would have to start drinking when I started my current job. Why haven't I?
Well, for one thing, alcoholic beverages are pretty expensive (both for my wallet and my RDI of calories). I don't mind being different from the "norm"; I've had a lot of practice marching to my own drummer.

I consider myself very lucky that I haven't had much interaction with people for whom alcoholism is a serious problem. Even coming across stories about accidents drinking has caused is upsetting enough. However, I hope that, if I ever find myself inextricably involved with someone who needs help, I won't back down from the challenge of assisting them in their escape from dependency. While I don't want to let their problem become mine, I also don't want to support their self-destruction.

I won't claim not to have any curiosity about the many things I haven't tried. Certain ones just don't seem worth the risk, to me, especially having learned a tiny bit about the psychology of addictions.

I also admit that what works for me wouldn't work for a lot of others (and vice versa). I choose not to barge into anyone's life and start trying to inspire changes that appear positive to me; I would appreciate it if others offered me the same respect.

That being said, I really do like the quote I read recently about the liver. "The liver is necessary for survival. Hence, the name."

Closure

Cabaret is all finished. We had the wrap party last night.

I am certainly relieved to have the opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep and chocolate eating.

I feel grateful to TP and MS for their patience and flexibility, granting me the freedom to be in that show. I look forward to diving back into work and contributing to the amazing teams of which I am a part.

In the thick of the production I learned not to read into other people's actions so much. My fault of self-centeredness became glaringly obvious to me. I had the chance to practice looking at several situations from a different perspective. I "crisis bonded" with a few good souls. I could have closed and locked a door; but I think I may have left it unlocked, if not open just a crack. This is a tiny town with an even smaller theatre community, after all!

Of course time will tell who, if anyone, might remain a friend now that we have no specific show-related reason to keep in touch. There are some with whom I believe I have little in common. I wish them well on their journey. There are others whose company I may miss.

I'm moving on and feeling optimistic about my possible involvement with A Day in Pompeii and the 2010 Sevens!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot & Ebullience

Open note to a hater:

Hmmm, what's the most diplomatic way to say this? I've been treated like crap my fair share of times; but I can't say that I've felt quite that slighted in more than a decade. I've just remembered why I'm not inclined to hang out with people who are or act 8 unless I'm getting paid. Forgive me if I'm wrong but, during the run of a show, isn't creating dissension in a cast basically artistic suicide? Silly me, I forgot that you have no actual experience in the business and exist solely to get as smashed as you can at every opportunity and boast about it. So, I'll attempt to rise above this mere pebble in my path and focus on the fact that I already had plans, anyway.

Open note to someone amazingly, superlatively gorgeous:

OK, please try not to get a big head. My opinion is just based on a rudimentary observation; I could be mistaken. I can tell you though, that I haven't cared this much about how I look in a long time. I'd also like to thank you for reinspiring me to figure out what I can contribute to humanity. Most cheesy classic love songs' lyrics could be quoted here; but I don't know that my interest is other than platonic.

Frankly, I'm a bit confused about and afraid of my present inability to release you from my thoughts. I don't want to jinx my quest to redirect my energy, but I believe I might be letting go, little by little.

In the meantime, your surprised expression is my favorite. I am blown away by your insightful and articulate writing. Of course, the overall way you carry yourself and move is what first caught my eye. You appear so clean and effortless; yet somehow you simultaneously exude this indescribable, all-inclusive, creative, happy energy. I guess that's the evidence of your practice and great skill. You seem confident enough to just be your intelligent, abundantly joyous self. I really admire you for that.

Thanks for letting me be a part of your life for a minute!

Epic exchange

She: I have an addiction with those initials, too.

He: You do? What does yours stand for?

She: The boy's name.

He: The Gay?

She: Hey, there's no reason to narrow him down to that. There are so many other reasons my liking him is inappropriate, i.e., his age, his exhibitionism, etc.

He: Well my addiction isn't inappropriate. It was my turn.

She: OK, then. It should be my turn, too. *begins to sing* The boy is mine (with echo bv's: mine, mine). Don't waste your time. The doggone boy is mine...

He: You can't bring Michael Jackson into this, especially since it is a situation involving a boy.

She: *rather sheepishly* Hmmm, I guess you're right. Thank goodness MJ sang, "The girl is mine..."

He: Thank goodness, indeed.

~I love you, MJ. You were definitely gone too soon.~

Stage Productions & Movies

How much do they echo real life? Am I mostly just escaping from the responsibilities I face? I find so many characters to whom I can relate; I'm sure that's often (if not, always) the director's aim. When I wonder where my place is, I can easily dive into the setting of a great show or flick and chill out with the leads; I rarely feel ostracized there. Interesting...


Can be sung to the tune of "Movies Were Movies"


Watching the stage and the screen
Gives me time to believe

In the Heights, Wicked, Cars,
Wall-E and All about Eve

Heroines Juno and Elle
Misanthropes trapped in a cell

Don't let reality stifle
The tales that they weave!

I feel like I know you; but then I guess that's the point...

Some stage and screen heroines to whom I can relate, for various reasons:

Elphaba Thropp, Wicked - Misunderstood!

Sandy Olsson, Grease - Identity crisis

Gabriella Montez, High School Musical - Tries not to prioritize a relationship, out of fear of being left with nothing

Euphegenia Doubtfire, Mrs. Doubtfire - (OK, yeah, not really a woman) Willing to think outside the box to be with kids

Lilli Vanessi 'Katharina', Kiss Me, Kate - Accepts being "tamed" with grace and dignity

Dorcas Gailen, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers - Old school values

Nina Rosario, In the Heights - Wants to figure out who she's supposed to be, without disappointing anyone

Juno MacGuff, Juno - Turns what might have been a mistake into an adventure

Summer Finn, 500 Days of Summer - Has to admit that her whole theory of relationships was wrong

Julie Powell, Julie & Julia - Finds her winning formulas

Clarice Starling, The Silence of the Lambs - Doesn't let disgust or fear stop her

Donna Sheridan, Mamma Mia - Free-spirited and down to Earth

Lani Aliikai, Surf's Up - Well, she's a penguin - I mean, a lifeguard; I can relate to that

Wendy Darling, Peter Pan - Good babysitter & big sister

Elle Woods, Legally Blonde - Steadfast optimism

Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Lady - Pulls herself out of the gutter (with a bit of help)

Coraline Jones, Coraline - Brave kid who is smart enough to seek help in the right places

Sally Albright, When Harry Met Sally - Classic love story heroine?

Mary, Something about Mary - There's just something about her... Can stand up to her stalkers

Maria, Sound of Music - Finds her home and rises to meet the requirements

Beatrice Ann 'Bebe' Benson, A Chorus Line - Splendid dancer, perseveres

Jessie (Yodeling Cowgirl), Toy Story - On a mission to meet her obligations

Carol Connelly, As Good as it Gets - In search of a "normal" boyfriend

Arwen, Lord of the Rings - Dang good horseback rider

Vivian Ward, Pretty Woman - Maintains hope, in spite of huge odds stacked against her

Satine, Moulin Rouge - Tragic beauty

Maggie, In Her Shoes - Turns her shady ways around and begins taking responsibility

Natalie, Love Actually - Not afraid to hit on the Prime Minister!

Helen Parr (Elastigirl), The Incredibles - Powerful, loving mother and wife

Princess Leia Organa, Star Wars - Gorgeous, graceful and brave

A few quotes that resonate with me:

"People put you down enough, you start to believe it." - Pretty Woman

"It's like the sun shines on you, and it's glorious. And then he forgets you and it's very, very cold."

"When you have his attention you feel like you're the only person in the world. That's why everybody loves him so much." - The Talented Mr. Ripley

"Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?" "Yes I do. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have."

"You make me want to be a better man." - As Good as it Gets

Extended Status Update

Anna likes writing about herself in the third person. Recently, she was asked to submit her highly abridged bio for an upcoming production's programme. She enjoyed composing it.

Anna loves so many people, places and things. Yesterday was a gorgeous day; the sunshine reminded her just how blessed she truly is.

Today the wind blew, again, and she felt frustrated, apathetic, obsessed, weak, and pessimistic. Somehow she managed to go all the places she was supposed to go and be there for the people who were depending on her. She realises this is no inconsequential triumph. Yet, she thinks she can relate to Emo people, today. Is there really any reason she should feel down, in the least? She can think of absolutely none.

Why does she have so much trouble aborting or ignoring certain quests? She finds that she must retry, over and over. Many other illogical ideas she has no trouble seeing for what they are!

Today's revelation, nay, epiphany even, had to do with being able to relate to John Lennon's famous statement that, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." She wonders if there's anything (besides her consistently messy room, perhaps) that isn't in a permanent state of flux.

Anna has been sick nearly all winter (for about four months), without more than a couple of weeks of solid health. In spite of that fact, she has made an effort not to stop and wallow too much (yes, possibly delaying her recovery). Even when she feels that she is just going through the motions of life, without passion, she is glad to have shown up.

She is beginning to accept the idea that she is unlikely to find anything approaching a "normal" love relationship. Judging from the "average" people she has known though, she is able to see this probability as another blessing she ought to treasure.

Someday My Bus Will Come (from 2007)

I thought I’d catch the bus today
To travel out to Lyall Bay
And to hear the band Fat Freddy’s Drop
So I walked up to the stop.

I saw no bus and looked around
Unhappiness was what I found.
The schedule said, “Yes,”
But the facts said, “No.”
Walking was the way to go.

I wonder sev’ral times a week,
“Should I apply a new technique
Or keep buying a monthly card
Knowing buses my trip will retard?”

My stance is pro-environment
Good citizens I represent
When I travel by bus or train

Flushing timeliness down the drain.

Jealousy (based on Billy Joel's Honesty)

Coveting affection
That isn't mine to get
Could be quite an unrewarding aim
But when I change direction
I see without regret
That this guy will never feel the same


Jealousy inhibits the sublime
And makes me a dependent pawn
Jealousy is such a waste of time
It holds me back from moving on

When I'm unproductive,
Feeling uninspired
I try to find a reason for the mood
And since it's not constructive
To hang around this tired
I'll drop my detrimental attitude

Jealousy inhibits the sublime
And makes me a dependent pawn
Jealousy is such a waste of time
It holds me back from moving on

Bassists' Bane (from 2007)

Could you lend me a hand?
I just have one request
My recital will be SO amazing.
Students singing along, teachers praising
So, would you play in my band?
I'm only askin' the best!

I've arranged 'My Romance'
It's mostly in 3/4
Next I thought that you could
'Take the A Train'
'Cry Me a River' and then
Travel through 'Spain'
'Fever'-ish with a glance
I'll 'Wave' to you from the shore!

-Oh, and 'Au Privave' by "Bird"
I sing it in B (at 260)
Also, 'Summertime'
Man, what a classic!
"Different era," you say?
What's "Jurassic"?
Well, if you can make the 3rd
Let's start rehearsing at 3...

Half the battle (Couplets written in 2001 for Jonno K)

"Love bites, love bleeds

It's bringin' me to my knees

Love lives, love dies

It's no surprise" -- Def Leppard

With a penchant for jocks
she happily grapples

To avoid mental blocks
she hangs out in chapels

A playful paradox

a pair of ducks dapples

She tears open a box

of bright orange apples

My current insecurity grows from what Robert Fulghum beautifully describes as the ability to see two contradictory points of view quite clearly and the lack of ability to figure out whether everything or nothing I do matters. I could be both too young and too old, too good and too mediocre, too well-off and too broke, too happy by myself and too lonely, too intellectual and too creative, too selfless and too selfish. I know I like skating, dancing, singing and blogging; my doing them doesn't seem to hurt anyone. I may have to let that be enough for now. After all, Robert also says it's humor that helps him break through the inertia when he's feeling stuck.

Heaven forbid I compose anything new!

I feel so exposed, so unprepared. OK, yeah, I can edit as I go (and I have, already).

I'm totally jazzed by this blogging world. I can't believe it's taken me this long to become a part of it!

Truth be told, I was prompted to action by a kid who inspired me with his intelligent and insightful writing. Effortless. That's his whole style, as far as I can tell. Now, three short days later, I'm behind on sleep and wondering how long I can keep this up with any consistency. While I'm speculating, I'll also throw out that I'd love to know when I might not care as much about trying to be that kid's friend, somehow. Tomorrow? Next month? 2011?

Quiero practicar mi Español. Pienso que podría hacer algo que ayudaría mucha gente si pudiera hablar más fluentemente, pero yo no sé que es, todavía. Me gustaría estar lista.

I wouldn't complain one bit if my spending this time venting to the World Wide Web sparked the flame that powered my next leap of faith, though.

Arohanui ki a koutou, WWW. I guess I'd like to speak better Māori, too.

Go well, Loser

If you can let yourself go

Couldn't you let yourself stay?

It isn't easy, I know

Temptation gets in the way

But if you let yourself stop

Before things get too bad

You'd find the courage to drop

The negative habits you had.

If you took a look about, you would soon figure out

That you're far from alone in this pursuit

As you travel through each day, many options you weigh

Can leave you feeling obtuse or looking acute.

See ev'ry choice as a game

You win each time you say,

"I could let myself go

But I think I'll let myself stay."

Ode to "Princess Syd" (from 2008)

[Can be sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies]

Let me tell you a story ‘bout a squid I know
Where she likes to live is in the sea below.
No person yet has seen her swimmin’ free
But to sperm whales she is a predatee.
(-Meal, that is. They slurp her up, beak and all!)

Now, if she were to sense a sperm whale’s glare
She could do a trick to get away from there.
She’d fill up her mantle with water from the sea
And send it out her funnel to shoot backward, rapidly.
(-Quick, that is! Off she’d go, in a flash.)

[And to the tune of Rocky Top]

Here are a few more Colossal facts:
She has tentacles, too.
Hooks sink into each fish she attacks
With her beak she bites through.

Special organs in her eyes
-Headlights in disguise!
Good ole’ Princess Syd
Our Colossal Squid
She’s Te Papa’s big squid.

To My Friends & Family

You get it.

You get me.

You help me through my struggles

And you improve my life significantly.

I shudder to think where I'd be

Without you - lost at sea.

I mean it.

I mean you.

In every situation

When I've had a problem, you have always come through.

I'm honored and humbled each time that you stop

On a dime

Just to be there

For me.

Lyrics from 2005

The year was '63

In protest we marched on Birmingham and DC

The words of Dr. King

Moving us to let freedom ring!

No choice but to succeed

He stood on those steps and gave a voice to our need

Redeem and integrate every single school, every state.

We yearned for suffrage, expression by a vote

And equity in the workplace

Our lives we could promote

One day to look past the color of our skin

To character and our content within, the way it should have been.

On this we could agree

Above other needs we wanted NOW to be free

We marched from far and wide

Under Dr. King, unified.

Languished in the corners

We felt

Exiled

In our land

So we had to make a stand!

(Although I wasn't around when this happened, I studied Dr. King's famous address to gain a fraction of understanding and an appreciation for the passion that moved these people to work together.)

Off my chest

I feel frustrated by my current circumstances and impatient with myself for not being able to accept them.
Compared to many people (probably hundreds of thousands, at least) I have a pretty fantastic life. I support myself, and I have time to participate in live theatre projects on the side. I get to work with amazingly creative people in a really stable business.
Somehow that's not good enough for me. For one thing, I have identified a bad habit of seeking companionship from unavailable people. Secondly, logic tells me that comparing myself to others is fruitless, at best. Nonetheless, I do.
Fortunately (and unfortunately), I grew up in an incredibly caring family. It's only unfortunate in the sense that I haven't seemed to be able to drop the high standards of respect I learned. Out in the "real world" I find that many people (probably hundreds of thousands, at least) don't treat each other so well.
Therefore, I seek to trade loneliness for solitude, sometimes. Tomorrow's a new chance to find some more patterns that fit.

Just Keep Climbing, from November 2007

Windy weather blowin' choices around my head
I need a sign to know which way to go - so easily misled
Undecided, I think I go left or right
But suddenly the answer's clear, when sun cuts through the night.

The only way out is up
I'm reaching for the rock
I will be held accountable
I'm separate from the flock.
The only way out is up
I'm steady as I climb
No height seems insurmountable
One step at a time.
The only way out is up.

Resolution
For once I'm on solid ground
But my awareness of its transcience disturbs the peace I've found.
Blissful stillness, momentarily struggle free
I hope I can remember this when conflict threatens me.

The only way out is up.

Mission statement

Good day! Thanks for visiting me. With this blog I'm hoping to smooth out a few things in my career path and personal journey and gain some technical skills in the process, perhaps. I learn best by trial and error.